In the Beginning, There Is A Promise
by inconstant heart
Summary: He doesn't save her. //Lelouch&Kallen, spoilers for Turn 10.//
1. absence

**Pairing: **Lelouch/Kallen.

**Relevant notes: **References to season one episodes, spoilers up to Turn 10 (especially 10), light spoilers for future episodes, awful speculation.

**Warnings: **Swearing (one mild instance, one not).

* * *

**In the Beginning, There Is A Promise  
**

* * *

_i. absence.  
_

There is a hand mirror lying on the table.

He picks it up and twirls it idly, his thoughts wandering to the celebration he is about to interrupt. Kallen bursts in and the mirror jerks out of his hand, shattering when it hits the floor.

'Oops,' Kallen says, laughing. 'I was about to take that back to Kaguya.'

She bends down to help him pick up the pieces and he suddenly remembers that breaking a mirror supposedly means seven years' worth of bad luck.

Thankfully, he isn't superstitious.

. .

Her Guren runs out of energy.

She is still staring at the warning screen in disbelief as Xingke wraps her up and effectively prevents her from escaping. She's imagined dozens of different ways she could be defeated in battle, but she's never stopped to seriously consider a scenario where her _goddamn energy runs out_. It's such a pathetic way to end, after everything she's been through. She can't die like this, dangling in mid-air at someone else's mercy.

A burst of explosions echo around her and Xingke begins dragging her away, in the direction of the Chinese Federation army. Her heart jolts as she realises that rather than dying and joining the spirit world, she has become something else- a captive, a prisoner of war.

. .

He watches her disappear and something inside him cracks.

'Kallen! Don't give up- I'll save you!'

Diethard tells him that he has to leave her, because one soldier is not worth the lives of everyone else, but all he can think of is the relief in her voice when she'd answered, and how he can't abandon her again. He has left so many people behind already- Nunnally, Suzaku, Euphie, Shirley, Rivalz, Milly, Nina- that he thinks one more- _Kallen_- might very well destroy him.

He is a million things, but above all else, he is human.

. .

She waits in her unmoving Guren and listens to the noises that penetrate her sanctuary. There's a blast, and another. She tries to fit the sounds with pictures, but she doesn't really want to imagine what might be happening out there, what Xingke is doing to the Black Knights. She hates knowing she's unable to help them fight.

_It's my own fault_, she muses. _I didn't wait for orders; I just rushed out._

She'd wanted to prove herself. She considers C.C a good friend, but that hadn't stopped her nagging feeling of inferiority to C.C. She'd seen Lelouch confiding in C.C, discussing his plans, and she'd flown away in order to soothe her own pride and ego...

_And here I am. _

. .

He's forced to retreat, in the end. Night falls quickly and plans are brought in prematurely. There's a frantic rush into places.

C.C is looking at him with a new kind of respect in her eyes. She is meant to be in her Knightmare by now, but she lingers.

'Did you think I was going to abandon Kallen?' he asks suddenly, without the least prompting from her.

She isn't fazed by his sharp question. She studies him with the easy coolness that characterises her.

'I wasn't sure,' she admits and then she says, with a tone full of meaning, 'but I suppose that I shouldn't have had a doubt you would promise to rescue her.'

There's a subtly veiled suggestion in her words that surprises him. He frowns, but all she does is smile briefly and then sweep away to prepare for battle.

. .

The cockpit is opened and she is roughly pulled out. Two men grip her arms to the point of bruising and several others train guns on her as she straightens up. She smiles to herself at the wary way the Eunuchs look at her.

There's a curt order and she is marched out of the room. She considers an attempt at escape, but there are too many soldiers around her for her to think that success is possible. She doesn't want to die, after all. She has too many things she has to- and wants to- do: watch Britannia fall, create a peaceful world for her mother, see her friends again...

Death is not in her future.

She is taken to a small room, tied securely to a rigid-backed chair and left alone. A short struggle tells her that the bonds are much too tight to break. She knows that all she can do now is wait.

. .

The battle is over.

Their celebrations are subdued. The loss of so many soldiers, as well as their ace, weighs heavily on everyone's minds. They look up at him and wonder what Zero will do to bring Kallen back. He doesn't tell them that he doesn't know.

'We could trade her for the Empress,' Tamaki suggests.

'Give up all our plans for the sake of one person?' Diethard snaps. 'Do you want to defeat Britannia or not?'

'The point is that we need Kallen to do that,' Ougi says tersely. 'She's one of our best pilots.'

Lelouch listens to them argue. He knows that what Diethard says is true. Giving up the Empress will set them back in their plans, especially when they are so close and have done so much to get her. At the same time, he isn't sure how far they will go without Kallen. Their strength on the battlefield, as well as their morale, will suffer if they lose her.

'We have to forget our own feelings and remember why we are fighting!' Diethard insists.

_And what if our reason for fighting includes her? _Lelouch asks, silently.

'We'll propose a trade,' he announces, cutting into their heated debate, and only Diethard looks dissatisfied with his decision.

. .

The door opens and light spills into the dark room. She looks up, blinking against the brightness, and her hands clench into fists behind her back when she recognises the figure stepping in.

'Kallen,' Suzaku greets her, smiling, and she glares back.

The other two Knights of Rounds follow him in: the pilot of the Tristan, Gino Weinberg, and the Mordred pilot, Anya Alstreim. She feels a tickle of inexplicable irritation at the blankness on the young girl's face, but she thinks her irritation at the Tristan pilot's smirk is justified.

'What, come to gawk at the prisoner?' she asks angrily. Gino looks amused, but the reply drifts toward her from behind the three Knights.

'Not at all. You're our guest, not a prisoner.'

The room seems to shrink when Schneizel enters. She isn't sure why, but a deeper fear than she'd felt when she'd been captured quickly settles over her. The Second Prince of Britannia directs a light smile at her and she has to force back a shiver at the sight of it.

'Please accept my apologies for the way you've been treated,' Schneizel says. 'I can assure you that it won't be the same in the future.'

'The future?' she repeats, faintly.

'Oh, yes,' he answers, still smiling. 'Zero offered to return the Empress if you were sent back safely, but we declined. After all, we wouldn't like for you to go back with your current opinion on our treatment of guests.'

. .

'They said _no_?'

Ougi's stunned exclamation fuels an explosion of confused chatter. Lelouch watches numbly as C.C picks up the cheese plushie sitting beside him and squeezes it.

'Schneizel?' she asks quietly, and it's not so much a question as an appeal for confirmation.

'Most likely,' he replies, tapping his fingers on his knee. 'You don't think he knows who I am, do you?'

C.C shrugs. She hugs her plushie tighter and murmurs,

'What are you going to do now?'

'I don't know,' he answers. He hates using those words and he hates the fact that he has used them so many times in the past few hours. 'Schneizel _must_ know who I am. He wouldn't risk his alliance with the Chinese Federation if he didn't. He refused our offer because he knows I won't hurt Tianzi.'

'And the Chinese Federation agree with his keeping Kallen despite your offer?' C.C asks, raising her eyebrows.

'You don't know the way Schneizel can manipulate people,' he says grimly. 'If he has Kallen, he's going to use her to his advantage, and he's probably convinced them it was a necessary decision.'

C.C waits.

'There's nothing we can do right now,' Lelouch says and he wonders if C.C can see how much it costs him to say it. 'We're going to have to leave her and think of another way to get her back.'

. .

Suzaku leads her out of the room, the other two Knights and Schneizel trailing behind.

'Where are you taking me?' she asks, trying to sound calm. She doesn't want to let him see how scared she is, or how rapidly her confidence that Lelouch will save her is fading with each new development. 'Suzaku?'

Suzaku glances behind him, presumably at the Second Prince. He turns back to her with an expression she can't read.

'We're going to Britannia.'

She knows then that Lelouch won't be able to save her anymore.


	2. heart

_ii. heart.  
_

Kallen doesn't remember much of the journey. Her mind and her heart go into hibernation for most of it, and only wake up when Suzaku settles her into an elegantly furnished room on the third floor of some ostentatious mansion, decorated in true Britannian fashion.

'Get some rest,' he tells her, his voice gentle. 'Later-'

He breaks off abruptly and bids her goodbye. She doesn't bother returning it, waiting until he leaves the room and shuts the door before she makes any movement. Her eyes rapidly scan the place. There's a window, but she's three floors from the ground and there are several guards pacing back and forth below. Her best chance at escape had been back in China, and even then it hadn't been much of a chance.

She lies down on the bed and stares at the soft drapings hanging over it. She idly wonders what Suzaku couldn't tell her and then her mind occupies itself by replaying Lelouch's promise to her. _Don't give up! I'll save you..._

She prays that he doesn't blame himself for where she is now.

. .

He can't sleep.

His Zero costume lies on the chair beside him, thrown carelessly over its back. He reaches out and plays with the edge of the cape.

He is Zero because of the dream he'd awoken in the Japanese people. He is Zero because of Nunnally, because of his friends, because of the future he'd envisioned of all of them together again. He doesn't know how long he can be Zero if he keeps losing the people he wears his alter ego for.

'I won't give up,' she'd told him.

It hurts him to think that she is waiting for him. Had it been cruel to promise her something he couldn't ensure?

He instantly berates himself for the thought. He _will_ save her, even if he has to change his plans and delay all his other goals. He won't lose her.

'Lelouch!'

He sits up as C.C appears, looking genuinely afraid. It's something he has rarely seen.

'They've taken her to Britannia,' she informs him rapidly and fear twists his heart. 'Lelouch-'

'The Emperor,' he finishes for her. 'They're going to rewrite her memories.'

. .

She is waiting for Suzaku when he finally arrives, her gaze fixed unseeingly at the view the window offers.

'Did you sleep well?'

She almost laughs, because she is a _prisoner_ and Suzaku is making small talk with her. It's ridiculously, terribly, fucked up.

'I managed a couple of hours,' she says, to humour him. 'Not knowing one's fate is a good substitute for caffeine, you know.'

He ignores her sarcasm and glances at the tray of food she'd been brought. It is mostly untouched, except for a shift in the position of the plastic utensils.

'We could have brought you a proper knife,' he tells her, 'but there's really no point in giving you the idea that you have a chance to escape.'

'Are you going to kill me, Suzaku?' she asks, oddly detached.

'No, of course not.' She thinks he wants to say more; instead, he closes his mouth and passes her the bag he is holding. 'Change into these clothes.'

'What?' She peers into the bag and sees a formal Britannian gown, all loose and flowing fabric and everything that is wrong with Britannia. 'You're insane.'

'Just do it, Kallen, unless you'd rather sit around without an idea of why you're here.'

He exits and she looks at the dress, resenting the fact that he knows just the right buttons to push to make her even consider doing as he tells her. She hesitates for a moment and then changes quickly, laying down her discarded flight suit with a strange tenderness.

'Come out when you're done,' Suzaku calls through the door.

She does so, giving her flight suit one last glance before he closes the door behind her.

. .

'You won't be able to restore her memories, will you?' he asks softly, his head in his hands.

'No,' C.C says and he looks up to see her hold her cheese plushie in a death grip. 'With you, I essentially saved your memories prior to the rewrite. Without that, I can't do anything.'

'So in the end, I can't save her after all,' he says bitterly.

_I'm so sorry, Kallen._

_. ._

Her recognition of the man before her is a swift process, followed just as quickly by a burning hatred that she realises is partly because of his role in the Japanese people's current condition, and because of what he did to Lelouch.

The Emperor surveys her with some curiosity. She stares at him with unveiled hostility, seeing in his eyes only malignance and cruelty.

'Kallen Stadtfeld,' he says. 'Or is it Kouzuki now?' He smiles mockingly. 'Quite interesting to meet someone who belongs to such a respectable Britannian family, and yet feels the need to join forces with a terrorist. Is it just teenage rebellion, I wonder?'

She doesn't answer. Suzaku's hold on her tightens.

'Do you know why you're here?' The Emperor makes a beckoning gesture and Suzaku edges her forward. 'You're going to betray Zero,' he continues. 'You're going to fight for Britannia.'

'I'd rather die first!' she snaps defiantly, speaking for the first time. He laughs at her response.

'You won't have a choice in the matter!'

_Geass_, she automatically thinks, and panic sparks inside her. _I'm going to be forced into fighting Lelouch and the Black Knights!_

'Suzaku!' she screams suddenly, twisting frantically. The skirt of her dress swings around her with a kind of elegance of its own and she thinks it belongs in a ballroom, not here, where her life is being thrown upside down and sideways. 'How can you do this? You're a traitor to the Japanese people!'

Suzaku's face contorts, but then it smooths over, so that he's devoid of any emotion at all. It frightens her.

'This is for your own good, Kallen,' he says, and she wonders if he really believes everything he says.

'You belong to Britannia,' the Emperor says calmly and he leans forward. Suzaku forces her right eye open and she can't break his hold despite all her struggling and she knows that _this is the end of Kouzuki Kallen_.

_Forgive me, Lelouch. I'm so, so sorry for everything I do after this._


	3. fonder

_iii. fonder.  
_

The first thing he notices when the Knights of Rounds make their appearance is that there is a familiar fiery red Knightmare with them.

'The Guren?' Ougi exclaims, catching sight of it at the same time Lelouch does. 'Who's piloting it?'

'They're using my Knightmare?' Laksharta asks indignantly.

All eyes follow the Guren as it flies alongside the Lancelot and makes a direct dive at Toudou. Toudou, for all his skill on the battlefield, struggles to hold his position under the double attack.

'It's Kouzuki!' he reports, and there's a dead silence. 'Zero, Kouzuki's fighting with Britannia!'

There's an explosion of disbelieving shouts and Lelouch closes his eyes behind his mask.

. .

Kallen Stadtfeld stands outside the gates to Ashford Academy, drinking in the sight of the school. A light flickers on in a distant window and she wonders where the Student Council is now and what kind of hare-brained idea Milly has had them participating in.

She has spent such a blissful period at the school that it is painful not being able to go back. She regrets it sometimes, but then she remembers why she has left the school and she knows that she can't return until she has achieved her goals. It is enough, she thinks, just to be able to see it again.

A crisp breeze tosses her hair and she tucks the straight strands behind her ears, promising herself she will leave after a moment more.

. .

He stiffens involuntarily when he sees her. She is facing the school, oblivious to his presence and he shifts the bag on his shoulder before approaching her.

'Kallen,' he says softly, so as not to startle her. She spins around and her face lights up, and for one wild moment he believes she is still the Kallen he knows.

'Lelouch!' she returns, happily.

The night sky is only lightly scattered with stars, but a quick look at her eyes show him that despite her friendly greeting, she has without a doubt changed. Instead of the heart-on-her-sleeve Kallen she'd once been around him, he sees a Kallen with guarded eyes, who has forgotten every success and disaster she has helped him- Zero, Lelouch- through.

'What are you doing here?' he asks.

'I could ask you the same thing,' she says, smiling. 'Why are you out here at this time?'

'I'm a little late in returning from an excursion I took,' he tells her, not bothering to elaborate on the details of the trip. 'You?'

'Oh...' She turns to look at the school. 'I just missed this place, that's all. Suzaku told me that I could visit as long as I didn't take too long.'

'Suzaku?' Lelouch repeats. He doesn't like the way she says the name, how dependent she sounds on Suzaku.

'Yeah.' Kallen frowns at him. 'Didn't you know? We're back in Area 11 for a while. We're apparently needed to deal with the Zero problem here.'

_Area 11. Zero problem. _A flare of deep anger at what the Emperor has done to her threatens to overwhelm him. He hates seeing her like this: a weak imitation of herself, with someone else's ideals and views.

_I did this_, he thinks. _It's my fault that this happened to her. _

The thought makes him reckless. He steps up closer to her and says, seriously,

'Am I just 'Lelouch' to you, Kallen?'

'What do you mean?' she asks in confusion. 'You're Lelouch, my friend... A Student Council member...'

'Beyond all that,' he presses, waving a hand impatiently.

'I don't know what you're talking about,' she says and her expression turns wary. 'Are you feeling all right?'

He knows he should stop here, because Geass is _Geass_, but he can't just move on with his life when she's like this, trapped in a false world because fate had been cruel enough to connect her to him.

'You don't remember anything about me at all, beyond this school? Am I just Lelouch, a person you know from Ashford?'

He thinks he sees a flash of fear and uncertainty in her eyes, but the night is dark and his own wishes may very well be influencing his sight. She takes a half step back and shakes her head.

'I don't _remember_ anything because there are no such memories!'

Lelouch sighs. He doesn't try to stop her when she moves to leave.

'I'm sorry,' he says. 'Take care.'

. .

She's afraid.

Her strange encounter with Lelouch has stirred odd thoughts and emotions to the surface of her mind, like sand clouding a pool of water when disturbed. Suddenly, she is finding vague contradictions in her own opinions and feelings, her own _life_. There's a part of her brain that tells her Lelouch is just a former classmate at Ashford, but there's a feeling that she knows him much, much better than that. He is... more important to her than Milly, Shirley and everyone else.

She doesn't know how that is possible. She has only ever seen him at Ashford and once or twice outside its confines, but never as more than simple friends. There has been nothing in her interactions with him to warrant these feelings of closeness to him.

Kallen groans and shoves her head under her pillow. She wonders if she has some kind of unacknowledged, subconscious crush on him.

_No_, she decides. _There's something else_.

Her dreams that night disturb her.

. .

He is walking to meet Milly about a supposedly urgent matter when he sees Kallen on the school grounds. He hesitates and then heads over to her.

'Lelouch,' she says when he reaches her and she sounds strained. Her arms are crossed tightly. 'The other night here... What did you mean when you asked me about knowing you beyond Ashford?'

His eyes widen. He hadn't thought that his words had any real effect on her.

'What do you remember?' he asks.

Kallen seems locked in a silent struggle with herself. She doesn't answer him immediately, but after a second, she bursts out:

'Nothing! I have a feeling that I should know you better than as just a friend from school, but I don't know how, and that's the problem! It isn't right- I can't-'

She stops, breathing heavily, and looks at him in anguish.

'I'm confused,' she says, biting her lip, like the words are coming out of their own accord and she wants to stop them. 'Ever since you said those things, I've been dreaming ridiculous things, about Britannia and Japan. And everything feels- wrong. '

Hope, he is reminded, is a powerful thing. A plan quickly forms itself and he doesn't even pause to consider the consequences if the plan fails. He meets her gaze and smiles.

'Trust those feelings,' he advises her and she seems startled by his reply. 'Don't rely on your memories; just your heart.'

. .

A week later and her dreams become stranger. Half the time they involve Britannia exploding in flames, an event which doesn't pain her dream-self at all. The other half of the time, her dreams consist of her clutching a mask, which is always in shadow and impossible to see clearly. She wakes up searching for an answer as to what the mask looks like, and all she ever comes up with is something bizarre: Zero's mask.

She sleepwalks though a week. Suzaku suggests she go out for some air one afternoon and she obeys without much consideration. The streets are quiet for that hour and she takes the most deserted paths, avoiding people whenever she can.

'Kallen?'

She finds a somewhat familiar looking brown-haired man, maybe in his twenties, staring at her. He wears a strange expression.

'I'm sorry, do I know you?' she asks.

He looks depressed and she thinks, quite suddenly, _that look doesn't suit him_. She has no idea where it comes from.

A second man appears behind him and grasps his arm, avoiding her eyes.

'Come on, Tamaki,' the second man orders and she realises that the first man is Shinichiro Tamaki, a member of the Order of the Black Knights. The pair walk away quickly, as though expecting her to follow. Her feet carry her a few steps forward, but inexplicably, she doesn't want to move any further.

She doesn't want to have to arrest them.

. .

'What if she kills you?'

Lelouch shakes his head, moving the chess piece in his hand- the black queen- absentmindedly.

'She won't. I know her.'

'You know the Kallen without altered memories,' C.C says coolly.

'I know what it's like to have false memories,' he fires back. 'During the year I was here without Nunnally, I had vague feelings that something wasn't right. The fact that I had memories of Rolo didn't prevent those feelings. The only problem was that no one was here to plant suspicions in my mind, so I was forced to accept my life as it was. The Emperor can alter and remove memories easily, but deep emotions are another matter.'

'You think Kallen has these doubts, too?'

'I do.'

C.C merely looks at him, drawing her cheese plushie closer to her.

'This will work,' he says, setting down the chess piece. 'I'm certain of it.'

. .

Suzaku doesn't notice her gradual withdrawal into herself. She thinks that Anya is a little more observant, but then she realises that she doesn't really know how to read Anya, or much about her at all, for that matter.

They are called out in another fight against the Order of the Black Knights. She leaves the others to focus on one Knightmare Frame, which immediately flies off when she turns to it. She follows it.

There's a blast aimed at her from behind and she dodges it, making short work of the low-flying Knightmare that had fired at her. The one she had been chasing is only slightly further ahead, weaving through a series of low, abandoned buildings and she chases after it- until there is a strange crackle of electricity and her Guren is suddenly unable to move.

'What?' she gasps. She slams furiously at the controls with no success and she is forced to eject as the Guren plummets a short distance to the ground.

A movement catches her eye once she lands safely: someone in a black cape is whisking just up ahead into one of the buildings. She instantly recognises the clothing as Zero's and without a second thought, she picks herself up and sprints after him.

. .

He waits for her, tensing when he hears her footsteps clatter into the room.

'Zero!' she says fiercely, sliding to a stop in front of him.

'Kouzuki Kallen,' he replies and her reaction is exactly what he'd wanted. 'What's wrong? Isn't that your name?'

'You shouldn't have come here today,' Kallen tells him, ignoring his question, and she raises the gun in her hand at him. 'This is your end.'

'Is it?' he asks her calmly. 'You aren't a killer, Kallen. Not like this, especially when you don't even know why you're fighting me.'

Her breath catches and her hand shakes slightly.

'What are you talking about?' she snaps. 'I fight for a peaceful world.'

'Yes, but for what reason? Just in general, a peaceful world? Why do you fight with so much determination?'

'I've told you!'

'You said you wanted a peaceful world. From what I have seen of people, they fight for someone or something in particular. You don't even have any real loyalty to Britannia.'

'Wrong,' she says and her hand stills. 'I _am_ loyal to Britannia.'

Lelouch doesn't miss a beat.

'And yet you're loyal to Japan too, aren't you? When you stepped foot in Japan, you felt like you were returning home, didn't you? It felt so much more like home than Britannia... A sense of belonging...'

'No!' she says angrily, even though he can see her uncertainty flit across her face. 'Britannia is my home, and everything I fight for.'

'Shoot me then,' he returns instantly. 'Kill me and destroy every hope of the Japanese people. You have no loyalty to this place, or the people, so do it.'

Kallen's hand is still outstretched. She stares at him.

. .

There's something familiar about that voice. She aims her gun at him and watches him carefully.

'What's wrong, Kallen?' Zero says softly and an absurd idea forces itself at her: _I know him_. 'Do you think this is a trick? It isn't.'

'You talk to me like you know me,' she says, attempting to stall. 'You don't.'

He moves slowly, step by step in her direction. She keeps the gun at him even though her resolve is quickly disappearing and she knows she isn't going to shoot him, despite everything reason tells her.

'I do know you, better than nearly anyone in this world. You have fought beside me for a long time now. You are my most loyal soldier and my friend. Britannia took you and brainwashed you. I couldn't save you- and I'm so sorry.'

And for some reason, she believes him. Her own memories contradict his words and still, she believes him.

Zero reaches her and places a hand on her gun, gently tugging it away from her. A wave of déjà vu sweeps over her as he does so.

'Thank you, Kallen,' he says, and it triggers emotions completely out of place: surprise, gratitude, happiness, pride...

'I don't understand,' she whispers, looking at the blank mask that hides his face.

'I know,' he says. 'I'll help you. We'll go forward together.'

She understands then, that even with all her ideas that he is evil and that she has to fight for Britannia against him-

She trusts him, more than she logically and reasonably should.

. .

Her wariness drops away, leaving her vulnerable and open, and he swears that he will see the Kallen he knows again.

Maybe he can save her after all.

* * *

**end**


End file.
